40 miles short: A lesson in failure
As you may know if you’ve read this space for awhile, I used to be a kinda fat guy who hated the idea of running for exercise more than almost anything. Then a few years ago, I started running in earnest. Not anything outrageous, mind you, but enough to participate in a few 5Ks and to set a goal of running 500 miles in the year 2011, a goal I accomplished, finishing at 506.
I didn’t want to get too carried away with my goal for 2012, so I merely set out to surpass 506. If I had a good year, I could maybe start raising the bar a little higher in 2013.
I did not have a good year.
I’m not even sure when exactly I realized that I was falling off the wagon to some degree, but it happened nonetheless. Then, as I began to try to catch up by increasing my weekly mileage, my legs began to give way, specifically my knees. Some days my left knee would really throb. Other days it would be my right. Some days it was both. When the pain got really bad I’d take a week off, and sometimes after that week off I’d come back pretty strong and run six miles. Other days I’d come back after a week and feel almost worse, and struggle to get through two or three miles.
I experimented with changing up my routines, and while there were some highlights with that — including running 3 miles in 24 minutes, easily a personal record — it just left me farther away from my goal of 500.
By about October it was apparent that I wasn’t going to reach my goal. That was disappointing, and it took a toll on me, too, as I gained about 10 pounds in the fall.
But I realized it didn’t matter. Certainly nobody cares about my goal but me, and what was I gonna do? Quit? What would that accomplish, other than to possibly ensure that I’d become fat and lazy again?
So I just kept plugging along, getting in three or four miles when I could, and settling for one or two on days that my knees weren’t cooperating.
I tried running on an elliptical (and hated it intensley), and have sprinkled in some time on a bike here and there. I also try to go for walks more often in between runs. I finished at 460 miles.
Last year when I wrote about this my point was basically how satisfying it had been to set a goal and accomplish it, and how important I had realized establishing a routine was to reaching a goal. But I learned something in failure this year, too. Setting the goal was the important part, that and continuing to pursue it to the point that putting in the work isn’t even a choice anymore, it’s a personal obligation. When I realized I wasn’t going to make it, I didn’t give up, I just did my best to try to finish as close to the goal as I could.
It reminded me a little bit of a baseball team that’s out of the pennant race long before the season is over. Some teams quit and go through the motions over the last month, others keep coming to the park and just try to win that day’s game, because that’s all you can really do.
No, this isn’t intended to be some sanctimonious lesson in not quitting — those lessons are for 8-year-olds, and we’re talking about me running a couple miles a week. I’m not pretending this is inspiring stuff.
But I have to admit there was something both satisfying and motivating about getting to the end and being 40 miles short.
Satisfying in knowing that I had continued to chase the goal to the end even though I knew in the back of my mind I had already failed. And yes, motivating because, well, I was kind of pissed off when I realized I had taken a step back in an activity I’d been working hard at for about three years.
That said, I’m going to ditch the 500-mile plan in 2013. I want to switch up my routines, in part due to my balky knees, but also out of boredom and a desire to change things up and challenge my body in new and different ways.
That might sound like a risky proposition — if I’m not chasing the goal (and documenting that chase via twitter), aren’t I making it easier for myself to quit?
I suppose so, but I feel confident that I’ve reached the point that going for a run several times a week is now a part of my life. I don’t need reminders or motivators to do it, I do it because I have to.
And honestly, getting to that point was probably the greater goal all along.
